Beer, Sports and Porn

Beer, Sports and Porn

That pretty much sums up the thought patterns of a typical American man. Oh sure, there are males who think differently, but this is what American MEN think about 90% of the time.

I've preached this a thousand times but it's so true. It's designed in our genetic code. Most of our thoughts can be broken down into one or more of the above building blocks.

Beer covers everything to do with food and beverages. If it's a hamburger, we're thinking of that Heineken we'll have with it. If we've opted for a Diet Coke instead, we're still pretending it's a brew. Even if you don't see a drink, we're wishing we had one. Parties = beer. Dinner = beer. Dinner Parties = beer.

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Rocky Balboa

Rocky Balboa

I finally watched the final intallment in the Rocky movie series, Rocky Balboa. At first I hesitated because how good can the sixth of a tired-out movie series be? But then I read that Sylvester Stallone wrote this one and that he wanted the characters to go out on his own terms. That sold me.

Why? Because, I know something few people realize. Sylvester Stallone wrote the original Rocky motion picture screenplay himself. And not only was it his first major manuscript, he wouldn't sell it to any producer without a clause that he played the lead role. He wrote the movie for himself and in many ways, his life paralleled the movie's theme.

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The Mid-Range Gas

The Mid-Range Gas

I have a legitimate question: What type of person buys the mid-octane gas? In America, we're sold three octane levels of gas at the pump; 87, 89 and 92 (or 91 or 93). I grew up always buying the 87 because my Dad would say, "It works just as good as the other stuff." But when I owned my Mercedes, I bought the expensive stuff because it was recommended for such a high-performance engine. But who buys the mid-level gas and why?

Most everyone purchases the cheap gas because on most engines, you really can't tell the difference. On my little 2.3 liter Mustang LX that I owned back in college, I did gas experiments. I checked mileage using 87 octane and 92 octane. There was practically no difference whether in the summer or winter. So naturally, I opted for the cheap gas because it was generally 20 cents cheaper per gallon.

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Old Clothing Roulette

Old Clothing Roulette

I've got an idea for a game show, and only in America, the land of the TV zombies, could this work. I call it "Old Clothing Roulette."

Contestants would bring clothes to the studio from all years of their adult life, along with their high school yearbook photos. Based on those photos and know the other contestant's current age, they would place blind bets on whether or not clothes from certain years would still fit. The close to today's time, the less the odds on winning. The older the clothes, the more you could win.

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England Speaks English

England Speaks English

I know this seems to be a recurring motif, but in my younger years, I wasn't too swift. Oh sure, I had my IQ points and I did well in school, but I was severely lacking in common sense. There are all sorts of things that I could blame like a late-blooming pubescence or an inferiority complex (and I don't necessarily discount an idiocy gene somewhere in the mix). I was fine most of the time and upon first meeting me, I could put on a good show. It was only after you'd known me for a period of time that one of my "blond" moments would happen.

And then the secret would be out.

Seventh grade English I had Mrs. Tibbals. She was a crotchety older lady, in her mid-fifties, with a disposition that added another twenty years. She was wheelchair bound most of the time with thinning grayish pepper hair. She was not a person who seemed entirely happy with the hand life had dealt her but there was one thing you could definitely say about her - she loved teaching.

(SPECIAL!! This time you can actually hear me tell the story word for word!!)
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The Bachelor Party B-Cups

The Bachelor Party B-Cups

I was young once, and with youth comes stupidity. Complete and utter stupidity, especially in your thoughts. I could usually hide this pretty well as long as I kept my big mouth shut. But every once in a while, I produced a classic and how I was heard over that size eleven in my mouth, I'll never understand.

It was the night before my first wedding and all my buds were there. In the greatest American tradition ever created, we all went to a strip club. My bachelor party was a night to remember, but for all the wrong reasons.

We started out at the house drinking and playing pool. A normal beginning to a night of nakedness and debauchery, right?

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The Greatest Condiment Ever Invented: Ketchup

The Greatest Condiment Ever Invented: Ketchup

Some might disagree but they'd be wrong. There are other condiments that run a close second but as far as I am concerned, ketchup is the most important food accompaniment ever invented.

The British might make a case for mayonnaise, as would some Southerners. Nothing's better on a cheese or tomato sandwich. And it's almost blasphemy to leave Duke's mayo off an egg sandwich. Trust me, in the South, we take our mayo very seriously. Miracle Whip is a salad dressing, not a mayonnaise. Duke's and Hellman's and JFG, those are mayonnaises. And Duke's is a cut above the rest.

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If The Shoe Fits ...

If The Shoe Fits ...

Back in high school, I worked in the shoe department at Sears in the mall. I started the summer before in Personnel but when school came around, I moved out to the sales floor. Into the shoe department. I was Al Bundy before the show ever existed.

This was all back in the time when Sears had those Super Saturday sales, they'd run giant flyers in the newspaper with scratch-off sections and you had to bring the flyer to the store before you scratched it off. Underneath could be an extra ten to fifty percent off our already low sales prices. (Sorry, that jargon stuck with me)

We just happened to have a Super Saturday sale my first week on the floor. This was not a good thing. You see, you almost needed a specialized degree to run the register at a Sears back then. There were no barcode scanners and here I was fresh out of register training, thrown into the busiest single sale day a Sears associate could experience.

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Martha Stewart Is Hot

Martha Stewart Is Hot

I don't care what anyone says or how many people give me wedgies for this but I think Martha Stewart is hot. Before the email barage begins, have you seen the August 2007 issue of Wired? She's splayed over the front cover, smiling like a million bucks.

Just like wine and cheese, Martha has gotten better with age. In her younger days, I wouldn't have even glanced her way, but now? Now? One word - vavavoom! Just look at that picture, she's got that older-chick persona down pat.

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Real Men Use Loofahs

Real Men Use Loofahs

It's the new millennium and has been for quite a few years. The definition of what constitutes a man is being rewritten on a daily basis. Not only is he responsible for bringing home the bacon, but also running the kids to soccer practice and making dinner and splitting the housework.

Some men go overboard on the "new man" thing. They get all sensitive and caring and journey past the point of manhood. They give the rest of us a bad name. There should be some lines drawn so everyone's on the same page.

Real men eat quiche, right? Wrong. Real men make the quiche and serve it to their woman and then sit down to eat it with her. Then they sweep her off her feet, take her to the bedroom and give her dessert.

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WWJD: What If Jesus Had Married?

WWJD: What If Jesus Had Married?

Let's pretend for a moment that history was different, or that Dan Brown and the conspiracy theorists were right. Let's play with the idea that Jesus married Mary Magdelene. All you zealots out there go ahead and grab your stones and prepare to get biblical on me.

Can you imagine Jesus and Mary dating? Mary Magdelene talking to her girlfriends, saying, "Guess who just asked me out? The son of God. No, really. He did. I swear to God ... oops." Nobody'd believe her, they'd think she was loony.

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The Bully Who Found God

The Bully Who Found God

Everyone remembers a couple bullies from their school years. But there's usually one in particular that always stands out. He was the meanest, snottiest excuse for a human being on the face of the earth. He never had mercy and he never cared for anyone but himself.

There was one I specifically remember. Let's call him Danny Parsons. He was a little red-headed asswipe who used to pick on people he knew would never fight back. He was undersized but aggressive and preyed on people's weaknesses. He was a typical bully.

Danny did just well enough in school to keep his parents off his back and in his corner whenever he got in the smallest amount of trouble. He never did anything too big because he was too much of a wus to fear any true retribution. He was a class clown who made people laugh by putting others down, calling them stupid or ugly or fat. Danny was scum.

I'm sure you can figure out by now that I was one of his unfortunate victims. It was twenty years ago but I still remember it as vivid as last week. While Danny was usually in all the "general" classes and I was in the "smart" classes, there were still a few that overlapped.

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Happy Birthing Day To Me

Happy Birthing Day To Me

Just like the song says, I'm another day older and deeper in debt. I've always been a fan of birthdays due to that whole "receiving presents" thing. And check this ... for the privilege of being born, people treat you nice and want to take you out to eat and throw you surprise parties and such. What a neat racket we have going.

But in all actuality, it's just another day in the 365.242199 days it takes to revolve around the sun. What it means past the age of twenty-five is completely different than before age twenty-five. It means another tick on the ole bald-o-meter, a slower metabolism which results in easier weight gain, more wheezing during sex than you've ever experienced, etc. It means I'm headed downhill.

You know what I'd like to see?

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Borat Not Funniest Movie Ever

Borat Not Funniest Movie Ever



I finally saw the Borat movie a few weeks ago and although I laughed pretty hard at parts of it, I must confess that it wasn't a great movie. I'm pretty much a movie snob, flicks like Fargo and The Fisher King and Memento are what turn me on. But ocassionally, I love a good action flick or a miraculous sports movie or a stupid funny movie, some mindless drivel that plays with your emotions or makes you laugh for the sake of laughing.

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Warm Milk and Oatmeal Creme Pies

Warm Milk and Oatmeal Creme Pies

I was talking with a friend the other day and he suddenly turned to me and said, "Do you smell that?" My instinctive reaction was to say, "It wasn't me," but that's not what he was talking about. He said, "It smells like warm milk."

I remember thinking, "Oh-kay." I may have even scrunched my face together. What an odd thing to smell.

Then he said, "I love that smell," and I think I subconsciously moved a few inches away from him. Tell me I'm not the only one that thinks that's an odd odor to love? So naturally, me being my inquisitive self, I asked him why. And after he explained, it all made perfect sense.

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The First Dirty Joke I Ever Heard

The First Dirty Joke I Ever Heard

I don't remember just how old I was, probably around seven or eight. We had taken a family vacation to the beach and were staying with my aunt and uncle. My uncle's older son and daughter from a previous marriage were there, too. They'd just taught me how to play poker, Las Vegas style, and the girl cousin (let's call her Cynthia) asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I said, sure, yeah.

Then she said it was a dirty joke and I believe my exact reaction was complete awe. Not only was I going to hear a dirty joke from an "almost grown-up" (which is different than hearing one on the playground from your best friend who's also seven), but my older cousin, a GIRL and a hottie in her own right, was going to tell it to me. Could life be any more perfect for a seven year old boy?

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A Zen Koan ... Plucking Chrysanthemums . . .

Keeping it simple today ... a zen koan ...



I created this graphic from a photo taken by Kevin Adams. You can see his amazing photography HERE.

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Now playing: The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds (40th Anniversary Edition) -Let's Go Away For A While

The Bigger Bible

The Bigger Bible

Does a bigger Bible make you a better Christian? I've got a friend that seems to always have this huge Bible with him wherever he goes. I've often wondered if he thinks that makes him more pious or more dedicated. Let's say two priests are standing side by side and you're a devout Christian in need of advice on some personal matter, who would you goto? The priest with the Bible so big he carries it in a backpack, or the priest with a travel Bible in his pocket?

Be honest now, who would you choose? Which priest seems to know what he's talking about better? Which priest seems to care more about finding the right answers? Which priest seems more dedicated to his religion?

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The Internet Has Ruinned Our Spelling Abilitys

The Internet Has Ruinned Our Spelling Abilitys

It's true. The world's spelling acuity, and America's in particular, has suffered immensely due to one major reason. The advent of the Internet.

This new medium has single-handedly opened up communications for the masses. The tables have been turned. Now, more than ever in the history of man, almost anyone can publish their words and thoughts for the whole world to see.

The traditional publishing stronghold has collapsed, newspaper readership is down 30% in the last two years. The world is turning to the internet for its entertainment and news. For its laughs and insights. For its everyday thoughts and personality. And its misspellings.

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Do Something Personal

Do Something Personal

Yesterday, someone asked me how my day was. I took a few seconds and then told them, "Pretty good, got a lot done. Yep, it was a pretty good day." He looked at me and said, "You really thought about that."

Well, yeah, of course. Why not? That got me to thinking . . .

So many people in this world answer with a no-nothing statement when asked how their day is. "Fine, how about you?" or "Good, you?" etc. Why don't people actually take a moment and think about it, and then answer accordingly? This same person has asked me hundreds of times how my day was and not once have I answered him the same way. Why? Because each day is different, that's why.

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The Best Water I Ever Tasted

The Best Water I Ever Tasted

I was talking with some friends last night and the topic turned to the best water we'd ever had. One guy said he took a drink out of a fountain at work that day and it was the best water he'd ever tasted, better than anything from a bottle. That got me to thinking, when and where was the best water I've ever drank?

Water isn't supposed to have any taste or smell. But it always does. It may be faint and barely noticeable but it's there nonetheless. Whether it's city water tainted with a splash of fluorine or well water laced with a little red clay, there always seems to be some aftertaste.

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The Bathroom Exhaust Fan

The Bathroom Exhaust Fan

I want to know something. Who invented the bathroom exhaust fan? I'll tell you, a genius, that's who. A veritable God among men. Whoever it was may have inadvertently saved civilization from certain ruin.

It's such a simple invention really. A fan attached to a tube to funnel air from one location to another. In this case, it's used to move toxic fumes from their producer to an unknown location, far away from the source. I think this ranks right up there with electricity and the combustion engine as one of mankind's greatest inventions.

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