There are two kinds of toilet paper: the good stuff and the other stuff. The good stuff is fluffy and squeezably soft while the other stuff is scratchy and noticably thin.
The good stuff has commercials where kids cram it under their clothes and suddenly become indestructible. They can run into other kids, play football, fall off buildings - all without a single scratch or bruise.
The other stuff doubles as sandpaper whenever I refinish furniture.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Good TP & Low-Flow Toilets
Monday, June 16, 2008
We Are The World
We are the children. We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving. That's how the song goes and even though tons of stars banded together to record it for a good cause, I hate the song with an intense passion.
Why, you may ask? Why would I hate this symbol of world peace and solidarity? Why would I abhor this early Eighties collaboration among some of my favorite artists?
Because assholes sang it, that's why.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Pears: The Un-Fruit
What is the definition of a fruit? Dictionary.com defines it as "the edible part of a plant developed from a flower, with any accessory tissues."
But I disagree.
Fruit: Any manner of food that is eventually made into an artificial flavor used in Kool-Aid, Jolly Ranchers or Jello.
That covers all the good ones in my opinion: apple, orange, strawberry, banana, cherry, black cherry, raspberry, watermelon, lemon, lime, blackberry, blueberry, peach, cranberry, grape, grapefruit, mulberry, plum, coconut, pineapple, papaya, guava, kiwi, mango, pumpkin ... etc.
Monday, June 2, 2008
My LOL Cat
Well, I thought I'd try something a little different this week. My bio and profile on other sites always talks about my cat and how awesome he is (but whiny) so here you go.
I finally enter the LOLCatz craze by writing some nutty sayings over picture of my cat.
Although, I feel that if he could really talk, he would sound something like this.
Click on a photo below and Enjoy!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
A Legacy of Humor
It's every humor writer's goal to write humor that is not only funny, but lasts a lifetime. A good humorist strives to make his experiences in life relatable and enjoyable for the masses while being unique and witty enough to create his own voice.
That's what I want, to leave behind a legacy of humor.
When I find a willing partner, and God forbid, actually have some children of my own; I want them to remember me as a funny dad. Not just a fun dad, which I know I'll be, but a funny dad.
.
Monday, May 19, 2008
The Dreaded Condom Aisle
All men eventually experience that first time in the condom aisle. Be it in the local drug store or the 7-11 down the street, we've all had that "emergency" purchase. It's a very uncomfortable situation, worse than being the schmuck at the register when the teenage girl asks over the intercom for a price check on jock itch cream.
I graduated high school in 1989, and condoms weren't advertised on TV or in magazines. They were still an underground item, condoms weren't semi-normal purchases as it is nowadays. And they definitely weren't given out by school guidance counselors or church groups.
.
Monday, May 5, 2008
My First Date
Everyone remembers their first date. It's a special experience that you never forget. Like your first real kiss. Or your first car. Or your first computer.
My first date was with Angela Smith. We were both fifteen and went to different schools. That's how I got the date, she didn't know I was a nerd.
We met in MYF (Methodist Youth Fellowship), the youth group at our church. Her parents had just started attending the church in our neighborhood and to her, I was just another guy. She didn't know any better.
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