The Patio Project

The Patio Project

For the last 2 Sundays, I've worked on the patio at my new place. Before, it was a dangerous sort of walk from the back door because you had to be careful where you stepped. One could have easily twisted their ankle and since I get hurt enough without help, I couldn't afford for that to happen.

So I undertook what I now dub, "The Patio Project."

What follows is a pictorial essay (with comments) on my latest building project.

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Thoughts On Being Thankful

Thoughts On Being Thankful

Thanksgiving is approaching and although it's not as big a deal in my family as Christmas is, I always try and take a moment to remember what the holiday stands for. Figuratively. To be thankful.

I'm thankful for my family. They are always there and always support me. Even when I screw up and let me tell you, I've had some doozies. Family is first and foremost in my life; I've taken some hard knocks to learn that one.

Then there's my health. When I'm not popping out kidney stones or collecting yellow jacket stings or pulling muscles, my body is pretty solid. I eat healthily-although some would argue; I still believe pizza comprises all four food groups-and I can do just about anything important that needs doing.

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The Picky Eater

The Picky Eater

For 37 years now, I have been an extremely picky eater. I can't help it, it's just who I am. I won't eat certain foods for the stupidest reasons. What reasons? You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Of course, I'll try. And maybe some of you out there will learn that you're not alone.

1. Green Things: Early in life I developed an aversion to all foods green. Doctor Moore, my childhood doctor, used to lecture to me that I was building a body based on the foods I ate. This didn't help. Who wants a body of spinach and green beans?

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That Time of the Year

That Time of the Year

It's here, it's finally here! I never thought it would come but now it has. Dove Season officially opened in North Carolina on Labor Day!!

Yep, you heard me. It's now legal to go out and shoot those pesky doves that are always eating up the garden. The good thing is, you can bag up to five of those little buggers every day.

Seriously folks, I didn't know dove hunting still existed. Do people eat doves? I don't know about you, but as far as birds go, I can't imagine doves being very tasty or very meaty. Once you pull all the buckshot out of one, what do you have left? Four ounces of actual meat?

How do you cook it? Is there a dove cookbook? I can imagine the recipies: Dove Stew. Dove a l'Orange. Dove with Mac & Cheese.

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Our Old Food

Our Old Food

Old people like to eat certain foods that no one else eats. Or at the very least, foods they are stereotyped to eat because it's a dying food. Like them.

I've always wondered why certain foods follow generations and then disappear. Then I wonder, what will by my old food? Generation X's old food?

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What 37 Means To Me

What 37 Means To Me

I had a birthday this past Thursday. I turned 37. Getting older means different things to different people. Thirty-seven isn't a magic number by any means, to most people, but to me, it promises to be a year to remember.

What does 37 mean to me?

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Goldie Hawn and the Prius

Goldie Hawn and the Prius

"Housesitter" ran on TBS this past weekend (written in mid-July). I kept the sound off while I tried to write about different things. I read through the paper where it talked about Toyota building its Prius here in the U.S. That's not funny.

I read where investors fear that a bailout for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac may be inevitable. I've been saying that for years, that's what happens when you have half the nation's mortgages owned by government-chartered "public" companies. Since your home is the single largest investment most of us have, that's basically like trusting government employees to handle your retirement portfolio. Oh wait, that's called social security, right? Again, not funny.

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Across The Universe

Across The Universe

I did it. Despite the advice of a trusted movie friend, I watched the musical, Across The Universe. This was a leap for me, you see, because other than Grease, I have hated every musical every produced.

I even hate musicals I've never seen. Why? I don't know. There are some foods I hate that I've never tried. I know I hate them but I then I feel I'm being silly and try them. Guess what? I hate them. With musicals, most (heterosexual) men seem to feel the same way. They hate them.

This is what makes me think there is something called the Gay Gene. We could call it the Musicals Gene to be more PC.

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Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper

After succumbing to the inevitable metabolism death, I underwent The Great Diet Switch . Since that fateful day when I swore off regular sodas, I have rarely to drink one. When a diet choice is available, even a particularly nasty one, I always take it.

Such is my commitment. Even though I haven't lost a single pound, I haven't gained any either. Victory or Mexican Stand-Off?

Either way, during my quest, I have learned some very important lessons.

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The Story of Dishwater Johnson

Dishwater Johnson is a guy everyone knows. We see him everywhere. In a McDonald's drive-thru paying with a hundred. At a construction site with his hat on backwards. In a Wal-Mart parking lot trying to park in the space with the cart corral.

Dishwater Johnson is the guy who drives ten miles down the highway with his left blinker on. He's the guy who walks around all day with a dried one hanging out of a nostril. He's the guy who pushes the PULL door, more than once.

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Good TP & Low-Flow Toilets

Good TP & Low-Flow Toilets

There are two kinds of toilet paper: the good stuff and the other stuff. The good stuff is fluffy and squeezably soft while the other stuff is scratchy and noticably thin.

The good stuff has commercials where kids cram it under their clothes and suddenly become indestructible. They can run into other kids, play football, fall off buildings - all without a single scratch or bruise.

The other stuff doubles as sandpaper whenever I refinish furniture.

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My First Date

My First Date

Everyone remembers their first date. It's a special experience that you never forget. Like your first real kiss. Or your first car. Or your first computer.

My first date was with Angela Smith. We were both fifteen and went to different schools. That's how I got the date, she didn't know I was a nerd.

We met in MYF (Methodist Youth Fellowship), the youth group at our church. Her parents had just started attending the church in our neighborhood and to her, I was just another guy. She didn't know any better.

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The Last Milli Vanilli Fan

The Last Milli Vanilli Fan

Back in the spring of 1989 when Milli Vanilli released their smash Album, Girl You Know It's True, a friend of mine introduced them to me. I made a copy of her cassette (life before CDs in my world) and practically wore it out in my tape deck. It was one of the first CDs I eventually bought when I got a CD player.

The album was great driving music. I jammed to it many a time on my commute to and from my retail job at Sears that summer. My senior year of high school followed in the fall and I began a lot of my mornings with Milli Vanilli's peppy, infectious tunes. It helped get me through that final year.

It was also great party music. It seemed that everywhere I went that summer, a Milli Vanilli song made it into the music rotation. The album is easy to listen to and easy to dance to, even for a disjointed white boy like myself.

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The Worst Position in Football

The Worst Position in Football

I never played football growing up because my mom wouldn't let me. I was accident prone enough without adding eleven guys to the equation, all in pads (read: armor) trying their best to knock me on my almost-non-existent ass . But if I had played, there's one position I wouldn't have wanted.

Center.

For those of you living in a cave or outside the U.S., that's the guy who snaps the ball to the quarterback. To me, that's got to be the worst position in the sport.

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The Raisin Bran Conspiracy

The Raisin Bran Conspiracy

I'm 36. I've been in love more than once and I've done my fair share of traveling. I've been to Disney World, I've seen the Grand Canyon, and I've partied in Time Square. I'm 36 and I just had my first bowl of Raisin Bran.

Now I'm the first to admit I grew up sheltered from a lot of different cultures. The nearest neighbor was a quarter mile away and we got only four TV channels. Five on a clear night. I didn't have cable until my sophomore year in college.

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Shooting at Suitcases

Shooting at Suitcases

I caught the ass end of a movie on cable today. I don't remember the name of it but it doesn't matter. What I want to point out is that they were shooting at suitcases and I don't know why.

Actually, it was a typical Hollywood shootout scene on the TV; the good guys were pinned down by the bad guys with nowhere to go. And to make the scene as realistic as possible, neither side ran out of bullets.

Like every shootout scene ever filmed in the seventies.

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Milfs Abound

Milfs Abound

MILF. A term I believe was made widely popular by the movie American Pie. It means Mother-I'd-Love-to-Fornicate. The F doesn't really stand for fornicate.

When I was sixteen, I had a thing for MILFs. I liked older women. Truthfully, I liked any women, but the mature ones held something special for me.

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Public Booger Mining

Public Booger Mining

You've seen these people. We all have. The people that engage in some good old fashioned public booger mining.

That's my politically correct term for nose picking. I call it booger mining. Ingenious, huh? Conjures up visions of midgets with hardhats and lanterns, singing camp songs as they descend into the depths of a nasal cavity for another toiling day of mining. For boogers.

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The Great Cereal Blog (part 2)

The Great Cereal Blog (part 2)

Remember when you were a kid and it was a big deal to go to the grocery store? Do you recall why it meant so much to you? Did it by any chance have anything to do with the venerated cereal aisle?

Ahh, that cereal aisle, offering children the grandest of choices in sugary foods known to man. Cereals of rice, corn or oats; transfused with amazing sucralicsious sugar.

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The Greatest TV Intro Ever

The Greatest TV Intro Ever

It's not Cheers or Friends or even MASH. It's not Who's The Boss or Leave It To Beaver or The Brady Bunch. Nor is it Scooby Doo or Monday Night Football or Arrested Development. No, the greatest TV show intro ever edited is none other than ...

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