Let Men Do Men Things

Let Men Do Men Things

My dad and I just finished a garden retaining wall / walkway project we started a few months ago. We worked on it diligently every weekend it wasn't raining and this weekend, finished it in the drizzle. We built a 5-block high retaining wall and dug out a walkway three inches deep at forty by five feet. It was a big project.

As we were finishing up, in the rain, shoveling river stone and sweating like the out-of-shape men we are, my mom popped out on the deck and said, "Looks great! I think you need more rock."

My dad and I looked up at her and immediately said, "We know. We're not done."

"We're getting another half scoop," my dad said. We were spreading the first scoop and had already accessed we needed an additional half scoop to finish.

"I think you need a whole scoop," Mom said.

---Continue--->>>

.

The Bathroom Chair

The Bathroom Chair

I went to a married friend's party this past weekend. There were mostly couples there but my buddy promised me there would be some single women too. So I went.

It was awkward at first because I haven't dated in a while but their house is huge so whenever I needed to disappear for whatever reason, there were plenty of places to go.

As at most decent-sized parties, there are mini-parties that formed in key areas. The kitchen. The living room. The den. The deck / back porch. The game room. The bathroom.

The bathroom?

---Continue--->>>

.

A Regular Seven

A Regular Seven

I got a chance to see my two nephews this past weekend and as always, their innocent insight into the world proved to be enlightening. From Monkey Poop to thoughts on what colors of food are edible, they have a knack of pointing out things that us "adults" miss.

For instance, did you know that nicknames should make sense?

My cousin has a little boy named Kyle but because the grandfather is Kyle and the uncle is Kyle Junior, this Kyle is referred to as "Little Kyle." Sounds reasonable enough, right?

Until you mix kids into the equation.

---Continue--->>>

.

Thoughts On Being Thankful

Thoughts On Being Thankful

Thanksgiving is approaching and although it's not as big a deal in my family as Christmas is, I always try and take a moment to remember what the holiday stands for. Figuratively. To be thankful.

I'm thankful for my family. They are always there and always support me. Even when I screw up and let me tell you, I've had some doozies. Family is first and foremost in my life; I've taken some hard knocks to learn that one.

Then there's my health. When I'm not popping out kidney stones or collecting yellow jacket stings or pulling muscles, my body is pretty solid. I eat healthily-although some would argue; I still believe pizza comprises all four food groups-and I can do just about anything important that needs doing.

---Continue--->>>
.

You Can't Catch Me!

You Can't Catch Me!

My parents are getting older. They're in their sixties now. While that's still relatively young by today's standards, they can't do things like they used to.

Every time I visit home, one or both of them is hobbling in some new way. Hips, knees, shoulders, ankles. Their bodies are slowly falling apart and sometimes, it's all they can do to get through the day without contracting some new ailment or injury.

Last week I was over there watching TV. I stretched out on the couch while my mom and dad sat in their respective favorite chairs, two high-back red leather recliners.

---Continue--->>>

The Brotherhood of the Traveling Boxers

The Brotherhood of the Traveling Boxers

My friend Jeff and I were heading out for burgers when he pulled the top of his boxers out of his pants and said, "You know how long I've had these?"

Usually when I hear a rhetorical question, I answer with something outlandish. Like "Gary Oldman." Or "three". Or "blue roses." But this time, Jeff caught me off guard. I said, "Nope, how long."

"Thirteen years." He smiled like he'd just learned the next lottery numbers* from a psychic. *(Net proceeds go to education)

"Thirteen years?" I replied. I patted him on the back. "Your girlfriend would be proud."

Jeff, still smiling, said, "I had them before her."

---Continue--->>>

.

Long Schlongs

Long Schlongs

I learned something this past weekend that disturbs me. My four year old nephew Joey has a big schlong. It's so big that it gets talked about. The boy is set for life.

I didn't learn this by giving him a bath or anything. I learned it from my mom.

The other day, she gave his six year old brother a bath. He was sitting on a tub chair and the water lapped just above his privates. He yelled for my mom to look! "Look! My weenie's floating!"

My mom laughed and said something like, "Good, good. Now turn around and let me get behind your ears."

---Continue--->>>

.

The Kettlenetics K-Bell

The Kettlenetics K-Bell

Look out for the newest fitness fad that's sweeping the nation!  It's the exercise craze that's got Hollywood stars Matthew McConaughey and Katherine Heigel looking like a million dollars.  It's Kettlenetics!!

And oh my god, it's a real product.  It may be the gayest exercise product I've ever seen.

Some joker has taken the time to slap handle on a ball and calls it an exercise.  I guess the thought behind it is that finally, after years of scientific research, he's designed a ball that won't roll away.  It's got a flattened bottom and for the physically inept, a giant handle on the top.

So you can pick it up.

---Continue--->>>

Yard Sale Fever

Yard Sale Fever

So I had a yard sale with my parents and my sister this past weekend. I know what you're thinking, in October? Don't worry, the weather was a brisk 60 degrees; it was nice. Rain had threatened us all week but it came a day early and stopped around four in the morning, just in time.

I advertised the yard sale (or garage sale / tag sale for those of you who say it that way) on craigslist and a local tv station's web site and several tag-sale-related web sites. We put up signs at every major intersection within the surrounding 10 miles.

We did everything we could short of advertising in the local paper that would have cost $15. And as a result, my mom around $45 money, my sister made around $150, and I lost $8.

---Continue--->>>

.

The Last Potato

The Last Potato

This past Sunday night, I ate dinner at my parent's house. Also in attendance were my sister and her new husband. It was a simple dinner of grilled hot dogs with all the fixins and pan-fried potato slices. The meal was more about the company than the food itself.

I made my two hot dogs with chili, mustard, mayo, ketchup, cheese, onions, Texas Pete hot sauce and homemade slaw. In most hot dog joints, they call this Southern Style or Carolina Style. It's how I grew up eating them and to me, it's how they should be made.

I've been through the streets of New York and bought a Sabrett's with mustard and kraut. They're good, don't get me wrong. But they just don't compare with a Southern Style chili dog.

---Continue--->>>

.

Blind Date From Hell (pt2)

Blind Date From Hell (pt2)

I pulled up to Becky's place in my Mustang and lightly tapped the horn, as she'd asked me to do. I waited. And waited. The house wasn't in the best part of town which should have tipped me off right there but I'm an eternal optimist.

I tapped the horn again and waited, beginning to wonder if I had the right place.

But then she emerged from her house.

All 98 pounds of her.

---Continue--->>>
.

The Blind Date From Hell (pt1)

The Blind Date From Hell (pt1)

It was the summer of '91 and the first time in my life since I'd began dating that I found myself alone. I just came off an engagement break-up and had met a girl at college who went home for the summer. She would eventually become my first wife seven years later but all I could see at that time was a bleak summer where most my friends and prospective dates had deserted town for the familiarity of home.

The blind date from hell entered my life through a wrong number. My roommate at the time, Matt, answered the phone one night and began talking to this chick. He was in a relationship so to him, it was a novelty to talk to a complete stranger with no expectations or responsibility. They'd never meet, so what harm was it?

---Continue--->>>

.

The Picky Eater

The Picky Eater

For 37 years now, I have been an extremely picky eater. I can't help it, it's just who I am. I won't eat certain foods for the stupidest reasons. What reasons? You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Of course, I'll try. And maybe some of you out there will learn that you're not alone.

1. Green Things: Early in life I developed an aversion to all foods green. Doctor Moore, my childhood doctor, used to lecture to me that I was building a body based on the foods I ate. This didn't help. Who wants a body of spinach and green beans?

---Continue--->>>



.

The Jew and the Bacon

The Jew and the Bacon

I have two bosses, a 49-yr old Korean woman and an 86-yr old Jewish man. The woman is the caring, motherly type that treats me like another son. The old man is a codgy bugger who built a couple million-dollar companies up from scratch and now plays around in the property management field.

The old man personifies the Jewish stereotype. He has the typical long face and deep-set eyes. He speaks Yiddish. And he's so tight with his money that he makes my dad look like Donald Trump in his spending habits. (Read about my dad here)

---Continue--->>>

That Time of the Year

That Time of the Year

It's here, it's finally here! I never thought it would come but now it has. Dove Season officially opened in North Carolina on Labor Day!!

Yep, you heard me. It's now legal to go out and shoot those pesky doves that are always eating up the garden. The good thing is, you can bag up to five of those little buggers every day.

Seriously folks, I didn't know dove hunting still existed. Do people eat doves? I don't know about you, but as far as birds go, I can't imagine doves being very tasty or very meaty. Once you pull all the buckshot out of one, what do you have left? Four ounces of actual meat?

How do you cook it? Is there a dove cookbook? I can imagine the recipies: Dove Stew. Dove a l'Orange. Dove with Mac & Cheese.

---Continue--->>>
.

I Follow The Moose Tracks

I Follow The Moose Tracks

Moose Tracks is one of the most popular ice cream flavors around. Created by Denali Flavors , it first came on the market in the mid-90s and has steadily swept the nation. I first remember trying it with Wife #1 in a little ice cream parlor on the waterfront in Savannah, Georgia. Yum.

Moose Tracks, for those of you living in a hole, is creamy vanilla ice cream stuffed with rich chocolate fudge and creamy chocolate peanut butter cups. But I've got to say one thing, it's not the best name for an ice cream.

What's the first thing you think of when you hear the name Moose Tracks? Yep, me too. Moose poop.

---Continue--->>>

.

Our Old Food

Our Old Food

Old people like to eat certain foods that no one else eats. Or at the very least, foods they are stereotyped to eat because it's a dying food. Like them.

I've always wondered why certain foods follow generations and then disappear. Then I wonder, what will by my old food? Generation X's old food?

---Continue--->>>

.

What 37 Means To Me

What 37 Means To Me

I had a birthday this past Thursday. I turned 37. Getting older means different things to different people. Thirty-seven isn't a magic number by any means, to most people, but to me, it promises to be a year to remember.

What does 37 mean to me?

---Continue--->>>

Goldie Hawn and the Prius

Goldie Hawn and the Prius

"Housesitter" ran on TBS this past weekend (written in mid-July). I kept the sound off while I tried to write about different things. I read through the paper where it talked about Toyota building its Prius here in the U.S. That's not funny.

I read where investors fear that a bailout for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac may be inevitable. I've been saying that for years, that's what happens when you have half the nation's mortgages owned by government-chartered "public" companies. Since your home is the single largest investment most of us have, that's basically like trusting government employees to handle your retirement portfolio. Oh wait, that's called social security, right? Again, not funny.

---Continue--->>>

.

Across The Universe

Across The Universe

I did it. Despite the advice of a trusted movie friend, I watched the musical, Across The Universe. This was a leap for me, you see, because other than Grease, I have hated every musical every produced.

I even hate musicals I've never seen. Why? I don't know. There are some foods I hate that I've never tried. I know I hate them but I then I feel I'm being silly and try them. Guess what? I hate them. With musicals, most (heterosexual) men seem to feel the same way. They hate them.

This is what makes me think there is something called the Gay Gene. We could call it the Musicals Gene to be more PC.

---Continue--->>>

.

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper

After succumbing to the inevitable metabolism death, I underwent The Great Diet Switch . Since that fateful day when I swore off regular sodas, I have rarely to drink one. When a diet choice is available, even a particularly nasty one, I always take it.

Such is my commitment. Even though I haven't lost a single pound, I haven't gained any either. Victory or Mexican Stand-Off?

Either way, during my quest, I have learned some very important lessons.

---Continue--->>>

.

Getting There From Here

Getting There From Here

Men can be defined in more ways than having a penis. We like our sports, whether we're playing them or watching them. We fart in our sleep even if we swear up and down that we don't. And we love to give directions.

Men will even compete over who has the best directions. There are two categories for this: The Shortest Route and The Quickest Route. They aren't always the same.

---Continue--->>>

The Disappearance of Things

The Disappearance of Things

The world is constantly evolving. It is inevitable; all that is now, will be no more. Traditions are but man's futile attempts to preserve a way of life. But traditions are easily corrupted. Such is the disappearance of things.

Remember when dads had shoe polish and shined their shoes? I bought a tin of shoe polish ages ago because I thought I needed it. I found it the other day, cracked and dried out from years of non-use. Shoe polish is quickly becoming a relic.

Does anyone below the age of fifty carry handkerchiefs any more? I don't think so. I can't picture a fifteen year old boy whipping out his hanky for a girl who just sneezed in class. My dad tried to get me to carry one when I was that age, but somehow, carrying around a dried snot rag was unappealing. Handkerchiefs are one of those traditions that thankfully seems to have died.

---Continue--->>>

The Story of Dishwater Johnson

Dishwater Johnson is a guy everyone knows. We see him everywhere. In a McDonald's drive-thru paying with a hundred. At a construction site with his hat on backwards. In a Wal-Mart parking lot trying to park in the space with the cart corral.

Dishwater Johnson is the guy who drives ten miles down the highway with his left blinker on. He's the guy who walks around all day with a dried one hanging out of a nostril. He's the guy who pushes the PULL door, more than once.

---Continue--->>>

Shirt In Or Out?

Shirt In Or Out?

Kids always find ways to rebel against older generations. They do it through music and art and hair styles and more obviously, through clothing fashions. For instance, do you tuck your shirt in or leave it out?

This was a conversation I had with a friend months ago. I wore my shirts tucked in, he wore them out. He told me I was old. I told him he was only six years younger than me, that my head began to shine at his age.

And then I told him the shedding sped up because I made fun of older people.

---Continue--->>>

Good TP & Low-Flow Toilets

Good TP & Low-Flow Toilets

There are two kinds of toilet paper: the good stuff and the other stuff. The good stuff is fluffy and squeezably soft while the other stuff is scratchy and noticably thin.

The good stuff has commercials where kids cram it under their clothes and suddenly become indestructible. They can run into other kids, play football, fall off buildings - all without a single scratch or bruise.

The other stuff doubles as sandpaper whenever I refinish furniture.

---Continue--->>>

We Are The World

We Are The World

We are the children. We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving. That's how the song goes and even though tons of stars banded together to record it for a good cause, I hate the song with an intense passion.

Why, you may ask? Why would I hate this symbol of world peace and solidarity? Why would I abhor this early Eighties collaboration among some of my favorite artists?

Because assholes sang it, that's why.

---Continue--->>>

Pears: The Un-Fruit

Pears: The Un-Fruit

What is the definition of a fruit? Dictionary.com defines it as "the edible part of a plant developed from a flower, with any accessory tissues."

But I disagree.

Fruit: Any manner of food that is eventually made into an artificial flavor used in Kool-Aid, Jolly Ranchers or Jello.

That covers all the good ones in my opinion: apple, orange, strawberry, banana, cherry, black cherry, raspberry, watermelon, lemon, lime, blackberry, blueberry, peach, cranberry, grape, grapefruit, mulberry, plum, coconut, pineapple, papaya, guava, kiwi, mango, pumpkin ... etc.

---Continue--->>>

My LOL Cat

My LOL Cat

Well, I thought I'd try something a little different this week. My bio and profile on other sites always talks about my cat and how awesome he is (but whiny) so here you go.

I finally enter the LOLCatz craze by writing some nutty sayings over picture of my cat.

Although, I feel that if he could really talk, he would sound something like this.

Click on a photo below and Enjoy!

---Continue--->>>

A Legacy of Humor

A Legacy of Humor

It's every humor writer's goal to write humor that is not only funny, but lasts a lifetime. A good humorist strives to make his experiences in life relatable and enjoyable for the masses while being unique and witty enough to create his own voice.

That's what I want, to leave behind a legacy of humor.

When I find a willing partner, and God forbid, actually have some children of my own; I want them to remember me as a funny dad. Not just a fun dad, which I know I'll be, but a funny dad.

---Continue-->>>

.

The Dreaded Condom Aisle

The Dreaded Condom Aisle

All men eventually experience that first time in the condom aisle. Be it in the local drug store or the 7-11 down the street, we've all had that "emergency" purchase. It's a very uncomfortable situation, worse than being the schmuck at the register when the teenage girl asks over the intercom for a price check on jock itch cream.

I graduated high school in 1989, and condoms weren't advertised on TV or in magazines. They were still an underground item, condoms weren't semi-normal purchases as it is nowadays. And they definitely weren't given out by school guidance counselors or church groups.

---Continue--->>>

.

My First Date

My First Date

Everyone remembers their first date. It's a special experience that you never forget. Like your first real kiss. Or your first car. Or your first computer.

My first date was with Angela Smith. We were both fifteen and went to different schools. That's how I got the date, she didn't know I was a nerd.

We met in MYF (Methodist Youth Fellowship), the youth group at our church. Her parents had just started attending the church in our neighborhood and to her, I was just another guy. She didn't know any better.

---Continue--->>>

The Last Milli Vanilli Fan

The Last Milli Vanilli Fan

Back in the spring of 1989 when Milli Vanilli released their smash Album, Girl You Know It's True, a friend of mine introduced them to me. I made a copy of her cassette (life before CDs in my world) and practically wore it out in my tape deck. It was one of the first CDs I eventually bought when I got a CD player.

The album was great driving music. I jammed to it many a time on my commute to and from my retail job at Sears that summer. My senior year of high school followed in the fall and I began a lot of my mornings with Milli Vanilli's peppy, infectious tunes. It helped get me through that final year.

It was also great party music. It seemed that everywhere I went that summer, a Milli Vanilli song made it into the music rotation. The album is easy to listen to and easy to dance to, even for a disjointed white boy like myself.

---Continue--->>>

.

Dre Not As Good As Cube

Dre Not As Good As Cube

Yeah, you heard me right: Dre not as good as Cube. I overheard this the other day out in public. I don't know about you but I didn't need to hear any more. What witticism can you follow this up with anyway?

Any actual conversation that follows would be pale in comparison to one you could imagine. This is as classic as saying Coke not as good as Pepsi. Or Ford not as good as Chevy.

Dre not as good as Cube.

---Continue--->>>

.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Can You Hear Me Now?

No, this isn't about a stupid cell phone commercial where a chubby geeky guy walks around saying the stupid catch-phrase into a dummy phone. (Side note: I had seen three different commercials before I noticed his wannabe beer gut. You see it?)

This post is about those stupid hearing tests we all took in elementary school. Remember them?

You put those stethoscope-looking things over your ears while some schmuck behind a glass wall pushed buttons on a machine you couldn't see. You were supposed to raise your hand when you heard a sound.

---Continue--->>>

.

The Worst Position in Football

The Worst Position in Football

I never played football growing up because my mom wouldn't let me. I was accident prone enough without adding eleven guys to the equation, all in pads (read: armor) trying their best to knock me on my almost-non-existent ass . But if I had played, there's one position I wouldn't have wanted.

Center.

For those of you living in a cave or outside the U.S., that's the guy who snaps the ball to the quarterback. To me, that's got to be the worst position in the sport.

---Continue--->>>

.

The Raisin Bran Conspiracy

The Raisin Bran Conspiracy

I'm 36. I've been in love more than once and I've done my fair share of traveling. I've been to Disney World, I've seen the Grand Canyon, and I've partied in Time Square. I'm 36 and I just had my first bowl of Raisin Bran.

Now I'm the first to admit I grew up sheltered from a lot of different cultures. The nearest neighbor was a quarter mile away and we got only four TV channels. Five on a clear night. I didn't have cable until my sophomore year in college.

---Continue--->>>

.

The Lost Art of Shoe Tying

The Lost Art of Shoe Tying

Kids nowadays, they got it made. When I say kids, I mean little humans under the age of seven. The ones who are excited about going to school because homework is actually fun. The ones who can still get away with an occasional poop in the pants. The ones who still bother Grandpa to play pull-my-finger because it's funny to hear from that elephant that lives under the recliner.

---Continue--->>>

.

Shooting at Suitcases

Shooting at Suitcases

I caught the ass end of a movie on cable today. I don't remember the name of it but it doesn't matter. What I want to point out is that they were shooting at suitcases and I don't know why.

Actually, it was a typical Hollywood shootout scene on the TV; the good guys were pinned down by the bad guys with nowhere to go. And to make the scene as realistic as possible, neither side ran out of bullets.

Like every shootout scene ever filmed in the seventies.

---Continue--->>>

.

Milfs Abound

Milfs Abound

MILF. A term I believe was made widely popular by the movie American Pie. It means Mother-I'd-Love-to-Fornicate. The F doesn't really stand for fornicate.

When I was sixteen, I had a thing for MILFs. I liked older women. Truthfully, I liked any women, but the mature ones held something special for me.

---Continue--->>>

.

Public Booger Mining

Public Booger Mining

You've seen these people. We all have. The people that engage in some good old fashioned public booger mining.

That's my politically correct term for nose picking. I call it booger mining. Ingenious, huh? Conjures up visions of midgets with hardhats and lanterns, singing camp songs as they descend into the depths of a nasal cavity for another toiling day of mining. For boogers.

---Continue--->>>

.

The Great Cereal Blog (part 2)

The Great Cereal Blog (part 2)

Remember when you were a kid and it was a big deal to go to the grocery store? Do you recall why it meant so much to you? Did it by any chance have anything to do with the venerated cereal aisle?

Ahh, that cereal aisle, offering children the grandest of choices in sugary foods known to man. Cereals of rice, corn or oats; transfused with amazing sucralicsious sugar.

---Continue--->>>

The Greatest TV Intro Ever

The Greatest TV Intro Ever

It's not Cheers or Friends or even MASH. It's not Who's The Boss or Leave It To Beaver or The Brady Bunch. Nor is it Scooby Doo or Monday Night Football or Arrested Development. No, the greatest TV show intro ever edited is none other than ...

---Continue--->>>

.

Bed Security

Bed Security

There's a lot I miss about being married or in a serious relationship. Cuddling on the couch when we'd watch TV, cooking a grandiose meal for two, taking naughty showers together. And even providing bed security.

Women know what I'm referring to, it's something that's innate in their genetic coding. I never knew I was providing the service for the girlfriends and wives in my life until one slipped up and let me in on the secret.

---Continue--->>>

.

The Great Diet Switch

The Great Diet Switch

The biggest moment in my life wasn't my sixteenth birthday. It wasn't the junior or senior prom. It wasn't the day of my weddings (nor my divorces). It wasn't even the day I lost my virginity. The biggest moment in my life was the day I made the switch to diet drinks.

It was the day I traded in my Mountain Dew for Diet Mountain Dew. That fateful moment in history when I surrendered to the fact that my metabolism wasn't what it used to be.

---Continue--->>>

.

Scrabble on TV

Scrabble on TV

I was playing Scrabble yesterday and I began to wonder if they televised the Scrabble championships. They have them, you know, because I've read about them. But do they televise them? Do they provide play-by-play with color commentary?

---Continue--->>>

.

Movie Review: Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Movie Review: Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Spider-man 1 didn't trip my trigger and Spider-man 2 slightly redeemed the series. But Spider-man 3 was the gayest of all three. With such cheap tricks as an unexplained meteorite, short-term amnesia and hullaballoo science via a particle accelerator ... Spiderman 3 dips deep into Hollywood's wastebasket. Add to that a cobbled-together plot with three (count'em-three!) villains and a love quadrangle, and you have the big-budget movie that just couldn't.

---Continue--->>>

.

The Yard Art Phenomenon

The Yard Art Phenomenon

An epidemic has swept the South, one of epic proportions that threatens the very underpinnings of good taste. We've all seen it and we've all commented on it, it's the phenomenon of yard art and it's a plague that seems to have set in for te long haul.

Yard art takes on many forms, from your traditional gnomes (made popular by a certain internet travel site) to your pink flamingos to your garden variety ceramic rabbits. There's yard art to match every whim and mood you might need.

---Continue--->>>

.

The Lyric Mangler

The Lyric Mangler

It's a complete mystery to me. How my five year old nephew can remember the words to every song he hears. How he can recite entire passages from movies verbatim. I don't understand, he must have a gene I don't. I can't even sing a Christmas song completely through without substituting words that sound the same.

I'm what's called a Lyric Mangler. I'm the guy who sings to every song he hears, and gets only 80% of the words correct. I can hit the notes (most the time), but I can never remember the words. Never. Give me any song, from any era, and I guarantee I will screw it up.

I don't understand why I have such trouble. I remember telephone numbers I haven't called in a decade. I can recite Pi up to 12 digits (3.141592653589...), a number I learned in high school almost 20 years ago. I can recognize faces of people I met over all times of my life, and place them in the exact moment I met them.

---Continue--->>>

.