Let Men Do Men Things

Let Men Do Men Things

My dad and I just finished a garden retaining wall / walkway project we started a few months ago. We worked on it diligently every weekend it wasn't raining and this weekend, finished it in the drizzle. We built a 5-block high retaining wall and dug out a walkway three inches deep at forty by five feet. It was a big project.

As we were finishing up, in the rain, shoveling river stone and sweating like the out-of-shape men we are, my mom popped out on the deck and said, "Looks great! I think you need more rock."

My dad and I looked up at her and immediately said, "We know. We're not done."

"We're getting another half scoop," my dad said. We were spreading the first scoop and had already accessed we needed an additional half scoop to finish.

"I think you need a whole scoop," Mom said.

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The Bathroom Chair

The Bathroom Chair

I went to a married friend's party this past weekend. There were mostly couples there but my buddy promised me there would be some single women too. So I went.

It was awkward at first because I haven't dated in a while but their house is huge so whenever I needed to disappear for whatever reason, there were plenty of places to go.

As at most decent-sized parties, there are mini-parties that formed in key areas. The kitchen. The living room. The den. The deck / back porch. The game room. The bathroom.

The bathroom?

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A Regular Seven

A Regular Seven

I got a chance to see my two nephews this past weekend and as always, their innocent insight into the world proved to be enlightening. From Monkey Poop to thoughts on what colors of food are edible, they have a knack of pointing out things that us "adults" miss.

For instance, did you know that nicknames should make sense?

My cousin has a little boy named Kyle but because the grandfather is Kyle and the uncle is Kyle Junior, this Kyle is referred to as "Little Kyle." Sounds reasonable enough, right?

Until you mix kids into the equation.

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Thoughts On Being Thankful

Thoughts On Being Thankful

Thanksgiving is approaching and although it's not as big a deal in my family as Christmas is, I always try and take a moment to remember what the holiday stands for. Figuratively. To be thankful.

I'm thankful for my family. They are always there and always support me. Even when I screw up and let me tell you, I've had some doozies. Family is first and foremost in my life; I've taken some hard knocks to learn that one.

Then there's my health. When I'm not popping out kidney stones or collecting yellow jacket stings or pulling muscles, my body is pretty solid. I eat healthily-although some would argue; I still believe pizza comprises all four food groups-and I can do just about anything important that needs doing.

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You Can't Catch Me!

You Can't Catch Me!

My parents are getting older. They're in their sixties now. While that's still relatively young by today's standards, they can't do things like they used to.

Every time I visit home, one or both of them is hobbling in some new way. Hips, knees, shoulders, ankles. Their bodies are slowly falling apart and sometimes, it's all they can do to get through the day without contracting some new ailment or injury.

Last week I was over there watching TV. I stretched out on the couch while my mom and dad sat in their respective favorite chairs, two high-back red leather recliners.

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The Brotherhood of the Traveling Boxers

The Brotherhood of the Traveling Boxers

My friend Jeff and I were heading out for burgers when he pulled the top of his boxers out of his pants and said, "You know how long I've had these?"

Usually when I hear a rhetorical question, I answer with something outlandish. Like "Gary Oldman." Or "three". Or "blue roses." But this time, Jeff caught me off guard. I said, "Nope, how long."

"Thirteen years." He smiled like he'd just learned the next lottery numbers* from a psychic. *(Net proceeds go to education)

"Thirteen years?" I replied. I patted him on the back. "Your girlfriend would be proud."

Jeff, still smiling, said, "I had them before her."

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Long Schlongs

Long Schlongs

I learned something this past weekend that disturbs me. My four year old nephew Joey has a big schlong. It's so big that it gets talked about. The boy is set for life.

I didn't learn this by giving him a bath or anything. I learned it from my mom.

The other day, she gave his six year old brother a bath. He was sitting on a tub chair and the water lapped just above his privates. He yelled for my mom to look! "Look! My weenie's floating!"

My mom laughed and said something like, "Good, good. Now turn around and let me get behind your ears."

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